Hi, my name is Chloe, I blog over at
Chloe Likes To Talk. I’m
23, I probably drink too much Diet Coke and Coffee for my own good, and have a
mild to middling love of Miffy, my taste in television is probably
questionable. Yes, that’s me below...
I am a logical person. I like logic, and it’s a quality I
recognise and praise in others too. Which is probably amusing to many as I’m an
Arts graduate twice over. As a love of logic, I find it difficult to sympathise
or empathise with people who have fear after fear. I’m truly terrified of only
one maybe two things- falling- which incidentally is one of only two fears we
are born with, and I am also scared of masks, mostly people wearing them. If
you can’t see someone’s face, you can’t identify them.
Falling is an easy one to rationalise- if I’m falling it
means I’m going to land, and chances are I have no choice in that landing. And
along with loud noises, it’s one of the only things we as human beings are
programmed to be frightened of from day one. At this stage it’s also fair to
point out that friends and family take great amusement from watching me jump
out of my own skin at sudden loud noises... but I wouldn’t call it the same
terror that sinks right into the pit of my stomach and takes over when I think
about things like skydiving.... *shudders*
But I guess the real question, is what do you do, if like
me, you pride yourself on logic, when you hit a fear you’ve never had before, and you don’t know how to make it fit
with your reasoning? I’m sure some people would call it a test of character, I
call it really damn stressful!
Like many young women, I try and live my life healthily and
cautiously, in particular I practise safe sex, I try to exercise regularly and
eat healthily, I don’t play in traffic (often) and I try not to stick my head
in the sand if I think I might be ill or injured. Except.... this week I’m not
sure I did such a good job of that.
Brace yourself, this is about to get girly...
Having found that I had some unusual bleeding- and by that I
mean bleeding that was not a period, I knew, in the deep dark recesses of the
thing I hope is my brain that I should really go see my Dr. I did, I really
did. But I picked up the phone, was fobbed off with an appointment a week
later, and was actually kind of relieved to have an excuse not to go. Why?
Because I was scared.
In recent years, there has been massive emphasis on the
importance of woman exercising caution with regards to breast and cervical
cancer, and rightly so- knowledge is power so they say, and where cancer is
concerned, early knowledge means early treatment, and can save lives. But when
you’re 23 years old, and your experience of gynaecological matters is by and
large limited to intimacy between you and your chosen partner, and you don’t
really know what’s coming, the logic that dictates a 10 minute appointment,
maybe 30 seconds of embarrassment and a few reassuring words from a Dr are
probably all that’s required, and even if it’s not the case, it’s better to
know there’s a problem in order to find a solution rather than ignoring
something that could, maybe, might be serious, yeah, that kind of goes out of
the window.
I KNOW, a hundred times over, that to solve a problem, you
have to identify and explain it first, but you know what it still took some
hand holding from a close friend, and a bit of a backside kicking to go back
and actually insist on a more urgent appointment, and to make sure that I went,
and to make sure that I was truly, wholly honest about the WHOLE LOT. It didn’t
stop me feeling what I think I now understand to be The Fear. Fear of the
unknown. Fear of something bigger, badder and nastier than I can deal with
alone.
So the moral of this story? Well there are two. First up,
fear, whatever you happen to be scared of, is as real as you allow it to be,
and sometimes you have to steel yourself, and face it, because deep down, you
know you need to in order to be a functioning, healthy, happy, successful
adult- however you define those adjectives. And it’s ok to need help to do it.
It’s ok to freak out and panic and text your friend with simply the words ‘I
don’t know what to do’. But you have to do something, even if it’s admitting
that you need someone to tell you what to do.
And secondly, ladies. This has been a personal post for me,
and when Maria asked me to write a guest post for her, this wasn’t what I had
in mind, it just kind of flowed from me through the keyboard. But allow me to
remind you of this. Causes of unusual bleeding can be: pregnancy, a build up of
uterus lining, sexually transmitted infections, polyps, cervical infections,
and lastly, cancer. If in doubt, it’s surely, surely better to endure a Dr’s
appointment, because ultimately, the chances are that it’s nothing to worry
about, but not knowing is neither good for you, nor conducive to staying
healthy. And, my experience of my own Dr, is that they will understand that
you’re scared. They will understand that although they’ve seen it all before,
you’re probably not accustomed to anyone with rubber gloves poking around below
your waistline. And they will understand that you’re not trying to waste
anyone’s time, and that you aren’t wasting anyone’s time, you’re just trying to
do your best to keep healthy.
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